Special Gifts II

Last week we learned of two more special gifts given in Christine’s honor from people we hardly know.

First a little background on gift #1: My brother Paul had an idea, years back, to spearhead a movement to get a proper memorial established at the Oak Ridge Cemetery for the Home for the Friendless orphans. The project is featured in the Springfield paper today. Paul approached the Cemetery Board with the idea and they liked it. So now, in a few weeks, a ground breaking for the memorial will take place. Paul has worked so hard on this project, he amazes me. The Board has now told Paul that they want to plant a tree, with a plaque, in this same area in memory of Christine…that is so special!

The second gift is once again from a friend of my Mom’s, who I’m certain has not met us. My mother received a note or call from Mary Ellen who wanted to do something special for them/us. She’s retired and has been writing children’s books as she gets inspired and then pays to have a local printer/publisher print copies that she can sell to local book stores. She’s currently writing a book called Mrs. Celerystalk goes for a walk. She wants to dedicate the book to Christine and have a picture of her placed in the front cover with the dedication…Wow!

Once again, these very kind gestures, from people who hardly know us, mean the world to us. C & I look forward to visiting Christine's tree and reading the book. Thanks so much!!

Keep the Faith-Nothing will be impossible for you

This a.m., waiting for the inbound train to work, a fellow bike commuter stopped to say he's thinking of me and to *keep the faith*. I only met Matt last year some time, since we both bike to the train and he lives just a few blocks past me, I introduced myself to him on a ride home last year.

So, as I'm reading the Good Book on the train...it refers to faith loud and clear!

Mark 17: 10-27
10 Then the disciples asked him, "Why do the scribes say that Elijah must come first?"
11 He said in reply, "Elijah will indeed come and restore all things;
12 but I tell you that Elijah has already come, and they did not recognize him but did to him whatever they pleased. So also will the Son of Man suffer at their hands."
13 Then the disciples understood that he was speaking to them of John the Baptist.
14 When they came to the crowd a man approached, knelt down before him,
15 and said, "Lord, have pity on my son, for he is a lunatic and suffers severely; often he falls into fire, and often into water.
16 I brought him to your disciples, but they could not cure him."
17 Jesus said in reply, "O faithless and perverse generation, how long will I be with you? How long will I endure you? Bring him here to me."
18 Jesus rebuked him and the demon came out of him, and from that hour the boy was cured.
19 Then the disciples approached Jesus in private and said, "Why could we not drive it out?"
20 He said to them, "Because of your little faith. Amen, I say to you, if you have faith the size of a mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you."

The Christine Mueller Memorial Drive, UPDATE 1

About this time last month, I posted info on the efforts C was taking to get St. Ann's school, in Metairie, Louisiana, back on their feet.

A few weeks back now (1.10), a truckload of items were delivered to the school...YEAH! This is just the first truck...more to come.

This past Friday, John and his wife Carol, members of the St. Ray's Hurricane Relief Committee, held a dinner party at their house in honor of St. Ann's Pastor, Fr. Michael Schneller. He flew into town to meet the good folks of St. Ray's that have come together to help St. Ann's. It was so nice to meet him and to hear about how they are coping first hand. What great faith he has in getting his parish through this difficult time.

The dinner party was attended by about 25 peeps that are all part of the relief committee. It was great and inspiring to hear how others on the committee are giving their own time to help negotiate contracts for new text books, bookcases, desks etc. These people are so giving...spending their free time helping others in need.

Before dinner, we had a chance to chat with our Pastor Fr. Bernie. He asked how we are and chatted a bit about things...getting through tough times. After Fr. Michael said grace, John noted that it has been a great thing that St. Ray's faith community has gotten to know Fr. Michael and the St. Ann's parish, but it's sad that it took a disaster to bring the communities together. But it is so nice to see that there are good people in these faith communities that are willing to help the relief cause.

At dinner we sat and chatted with a couple that had taken their son to the same day care we took Christine. We recognized them, but did not know them well. We found out we have a lot in common. They too are both grads of Illinois and so we chatted about the days back in the 80's in good old C-U. Was nice to hear how they are helping keep the finances rolling for the relief effort. She is also writing grant application to companies soliciting $$ for the effort.

C was hesitant to attend the gathering, but I'm sure she's glad we went. Fr. Michael is so grateful and humbled by the support from her and those at St. Ray's. Truly amazing!!

At mass the next evening, Fr. Michael gave the homily and did an amazing job of weaving the meaning of the Gospel to the new relationship between St. Ray's and St. Ann's. He spoke of God's people becoming disciples to follow Jesus and that the journey St. Ann's is experiencing, with the help of St. Ray's disciples, is a marathon and not a sprint. I of course equated that marathon reference to the grief process as well. The homily spoke to me on many levels. As he spoke about St. Ray's disciples, I knew C was one of these people. Giving of her time to help others she does not know. She won't *brag* about this, but it is amazing the supplies she's getting others to *donate* to St. Ann's...so that the funding raised by St. Rays' can go to other causes. It's amazing that these contacts C has had for so many years are willing to donate their products. People are good!!

ABC's of Grief..."C"

C: Crazy...
A friend of mine mentioned he read this story in the Tribune over the w/e and he thought of me. I'm posting it here to help define crazy. This friend does not read the blog and had no idea I was *defining* words here...very timely. I think I sufficiently defined B: Bitter on Monday.
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The `crazy' thing about death
By Douglas MacKinnon
Published January 22, 2006

Define "crazy." Up until five years ago, I never thought that description would apply to me. Today, I'm not so sure.

In an ironic and cruel twist of fate for someone connected to the world of politics, at exactly noon on Jan. 20, 2001, just as George W. Bush placed his hand on the Bible to take his oath of office, a doctor walked into a hospital waiting room to tell us that we had just lost my 9-year-old nephew as a result of an accident suffered three days earlier. His name is Patrick Ryan Ovide (O-vee-dee), and he was and remains, as I always told him, "my best friend in the whole-wide universe."

Before Patrick's accident, my definition of crazy was fairly rigid and totally lacking of empathy. Since the accident, that same definition has adopted a grayish hue. Define crazy. Well for me, before the accident, it was people walking down the street talking to themselves. Today, five years after the accident, I can't tell you how many times I've spoken to myself in public.

The fact of the matter is that I am not talking to myself but talking to Patrick because I feel him with me. And because I know he is with me, I update him on his mom and dad, his sisters, places we used to hang out or a movie he'd want to see. Is that crazy? Maybe. Most people would say yes. I certainly would have answered in the affirmative on Jan. 19 of 2001. Today, I know better. Or at least I know enough to keep a very open mind.

How does the human mind cope with the loss of a child? With the loss of a best friend? How does it protect itself as it desperately fights to heal? Patrick's mom and dad (my sister, Janice, and her husband, David), myself and tens of thousands of people in indescribable and almost unbearable pain around the world wish there was a blueprint. There is not. The fact that Patrick's loss helped save the lives of four people--including an 8-year-old girl who now has his strong and pure heart--has not brought me one second of peace. Not one. I hope and pray that someday it will.

For those suffering this cruelest of all pains, no matter how much love and support are offered, you are mostly alone with your inner demons as you try to come to terms with "Why?" "Why my son?" "Why my daughter?" "Why my nephew and best friend?"

Almost every day while at work in Washington, I try to take a long walk to clear my head and burn a few calories. This walk usually takes me past the White House and then through Lafayette Park. Recently, on my way back through the park, I had one of the very tame squirrels come up to me looking for food. Without hesitating for a second, I bent down, took a picture of Patrick out of my wallet, and "showed" him the squirrel. Is that crazy? I guess so. Most people would certainly say, "Yes." I know I would have checked the "Oh, yeah" box five years ago. But not now.

Now, if I see someone doing something out of the norm, I don't jump to the conclusion that the person is crazy, to be avoided or looked down upon. Instead, my reaction now is to ask myself, "What kind of pain is that person going through?" "What kind of nightmare is he fighting alone?" "Is there anything I can do to help?" Not questions I, or most people, would normally ask. Not questions I would have asked before Patrick's accident.

Today, I know better. Today, I know it's worse. Today, I know that since the horror that befell our nation on Sept. 11, 2001, these are questions that are being asked with much more frequency in this country and around the world. Aside from the fear of terrorism that has settled in the dark corners of our minds, the human race has to continually deal with other issues that tend to make one "unbalanced." Issues such as war, crime, genocide, poverty, the cruelty of Mother Nature and disease. All life-takers that have greatly increased our fear of the unknown and made the questions of loss much more prevalent and personal.

Define crazy. It used to be so easy for me. That has all changed. Today, my definition of crazy is an innocent 9-year-old boy being taken from this Earth. What's yours?

-----
Douglas MacKinnon was press secretary to former Sen. Bob Dole.
Copyright © 2006, Chicago Tribune

ABC's of Grief, by MPM

I started this post (below) on Dec 14th, thinking I would take one word for every letter of the alphabet and define it as I know/experience it now as part of the grief process...well, I started with A and have not added to the list since. I'm posting A now since it fit's with yesterdays *outburst*...I will continue to add words, trying to select one or two for each letter trying to keep them in order...may take me all year, but will be interesting to review weeks/years later.

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I'm making all this up as I go along here...I've read some printed materials on the matter, attended one support group meeting, spoken to priests and parish peeps, but this is how I define the ABC's of this unbearable sorrow and suffering: Well--here goes--may not be pretty at times--not sure what I'm about to let flow---

A: Anger...boy was I (and still am I guess) angry, but at who? C and I immediately spoke of not being angry at each other--for not doing more...but at the time, 3:00 a.m. in the morning that's all you think about...Why? I still think of why we could not have done more and that makes me angry...some anger at God as to why he took such a perfect little angel from this earth. And she was....
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--that's where I ended it on 12/14...still feeling the anger, but it's different now.
M

WH II -- Bitterness vs. Compassionate

Over the w/e, I recalled that C had mentioned this subject matter at WH on Thursday. She was wondering about herself...weather she'd be one or the other. The group discussed times when we’d be one or the other.

After the funeral, I noted to a few peeps as they left our house, that I was afraid I'd become totally bitter...not certain how that would play out...but I think it has today. That day, my friends stated that they did not believe that I would become bitter...there was no discussion of compassion, since all I brought up was bitterness. I've seen some more compassionate moments (from me) in the last 12 weeks, for those who've lost someone or for someone having a bad day...probably more aware of those things, so I respond.

But today, at work, I'm BITTER (peeved, angry etc)! (I think it started last Friday and has continued through the w/e to today). When my boss chews my ass out for something that is my responsibility, I would typically follow-up pseudo-nicely with others to get issues resolved. My project management style had been to discuss issues of importance with others calmly--no more--now I find myself saying "get it done or else"...why should I continue to take the heat for their incompetence or lack of planning. I think I have been doing that for some time now. No longer!! It does bother me that I am now the jackass boss pushing others to get it done or else. I used to give them enough rope/slack to hang themselves...and now they have. I've heard a few peeps *moaning* to others (thinking they are outside of earshot) about my reminder email this morning for action today-that I requested Friday...so be it. Do your damn job and get me what I need to feed the boss and we'll all be happy.

Since crap flows down hill, I'm now going to push others to get their job done when I specify it or else. I'm not taking the heat any longer...no more mister nice guy. I guess that's the bitterness I was afraid of.

There probably is a middle of the road to take here, but I can't find it today. Stay the HELL out of my way.

On a lighter note, the jerk at the top of the heap, the Executive Director of the client I've worked many overtime hours for, for the last 2 years, just quit...gave notice to his boss the Gov--he wants to spend more time with his family...wish I could have done that two years ago. Life is unfair!

Willow House II

Last night C and I attended our second WH support group meeting. We met Kitty, our group facilitator, for the first time. She shared her loss/background and we shared ours. We spoke of how we all managed the holidays and what we did. We discussed NY resolutions and shared our thoughts on that...I noted that I'm going to try to read the entire bible this year. Jean noted that she's going to become a yoga instructor, part of a one-year training program. Jean also mentioned that her and her husband will be walking a half-marathon for their son on his birthday-he died 3-4 years ago of leukemia. Craig and Jacki spoke of meeting with us over the last month and they also spoke of another death in their family. They talked about how they came to terms with moving forward with a head stone for Ema...we still need to do that.

Reflections Image (for the Reflections blog)

I just wanted to blog a bit about the new *About Me* image of the lake reflection.

I took the picture in the north woods of Wisc. in August this year. I love the reflection of the clouds...which now mean something to me. I use this image for my office PC desktop/wallpaper. In it, I see Christine lying down (the largest center cloud) on a small pillow with me, C and Lauren as smaller clouds below that to the left...the other clouds mean nothing (to me today).

On my home PC, I use this image for the desktop, which was also taken in the north woods this summer...*eagles wings*--yep, that means something too.

Lustig children improving after bout with E. coli

Kids are doing better...thank you all for your prayers.

http://tinyurl.com/ctemu

Books

Last week I finished my second grief book, After the Darkest Hour the Sun Will Shine Again : A Parent's Guide to Coping with the Loss of a Child, after completing The Bereaved Parent the week before. In general, the books are very helpful...pointing out things that one feels today and in the future as well as letting the reader know they are not alone. I'd thought about detailing my thoughts, but they have come and gone as I read each day on the train.

So, now on to the next book...the Good Book as they say. I'd gotten a copy of The One Year Bible from my parents for Christmas and Mom had just asked if I'd started it yet. I first wanted to finish the other grief books, so the answer was no last week. Well, on Sunday, instead of watching the Bears loss, I began to read Jan 1 & 2. It's nicely divided into 365 days for the OT, NT, Psalms, and Proverbs. Yesterday, I sat and read for a few hours and caught up to Jan 16...felt good this morning on the train to be on track to read it all this year.

As I read, I listened to the Sound track for The Passion of the Christ, which my nephew had given me for Christmas--thanks Z...seemed appropriate. I've not sat and read for that long since a beach vacation many years ago...was nice.

Music & Mass

As I finished up the post below (veterans) this afternoon, I listened to the CD Jeff sent me this week...I'd listened to some of it off and on yesterday--but today, with the house empty, I listened to it straight through. Jeff, I cried *hard* for a solid 30 minutes or more...about half the CD. And then I wept at other parts. After that, I put in the CD my brother Paul gave me with Catholic Hymn songs...and am finishing that one now. I again, began to cry at some of the songs, as some of them were sung at the funeral or they just got to me. Now I’m wrapping it all up with a little Hi God CD…can’t wait to get all these on my new IPOD—Tess can you help me there? Thanks to Paul and Jeff for this music.

Last night, at the mass for Christine, I think I cried for the entire celebration—1.25 hrs. We asked a neighbor kid to come over to watch Lauren so we could concentrate on listening to God. Our friends Mike and Deb and family joined us…and I am glad they did…but once again am so sorry to bring tears to their eyes. As I looked their way during various parts of the mass, sign of peace etc., I saw their tears--and now here I go crying again! Anyway, it breaks me up to think of how this has affected them and many others. Sorry.

At the closing song, I held one of Christine’s little white slippers in my palm (that I still have in my coat pockets) and then held hands with C—she had to do a double take to see what it was. We both wept.

After mass, we saw some other neighbors and chatted a bit about what was on tap for the evening & w/e. I’d recently shared this blog with Mike and Deb, and so Mike told me how it affected him as he read it the night before…once again, I’m so very sorry and touched at the same time. Their support and friendship is never ending—thank you.

Fr. Phil’s sermon was once again directed right at me. I hung on every word he spoke…I’d read the readings for the week/Sunday which was the basis for his sermon…what is our calling? how did we get where we are? how did we choose to become engineers, doctors etc? are we listening to the Lord? what things have happened in our life to guide us certain directions? Makes me think and contemplate.

At the end of mass, two parishioners spoke about the upcoming Christ Renews His Parish (CRHP) retreat w/e’s—one for men and one for women. I’ve wanted to attend this w/e now for the last two years, but because of work commitments, I’ve not been able to take the time. Recently a woman mentioned to us that she had attended one and that the w/e one attends a CRHP is the one they were intended to attend. I believe I’ll be attending this year.

Bring in the Veterans (of Hope)

This week, C and I had separately planned to meet with people who’ve lost a child…not knowing the details of their loss and without even knowing it, we were to meet with veterans of this sorrowful club.

C went to visit Angie (whom we’ve never met before), who lost her 4-year old son Mark over 15 years ago. It was recommended to us, by three different people that we speak to her. Friday (the 13th), I met with Mark, a business colleague whom I’ve known for almost 9 years, who lost his infant son Nathan over 15 years ago as well. Since I’ve mostly only had a business relationship with Mark, I did not know of his loss. He volunteered to meet and chat with me right after Christine died.

I can’t speak for C, but from what she told me, it sounds like her talk with Angie was worth while. Both shared the details of their loss, both cried…both may have gotten strength and hope from each other.

I met Mark at EPI (local watering hole), and again, I’m meeting someone with no real agenda other than sharing sorrow. What I got from Mark was much more than just sharing of sorrow. Again, like meeting with Craig, the 2 hour conversation went from one subject to the next with some tangents and probably many interruptions from me –reaffirming that YES, that’s happened or is happening to me and here’s my story.

We shared the details of our loss that sorrowful day, but mostly Mark shared with me HOPE. He spoke of how he’s in a different place of sorrow than I am and that there will be a better day. He spoke of the many times he’s comforted others who’ve had a very ill child or lost a child or spouse. Most importantly, he spoke of how his faith in the Lord has grown and how he has witnessed his faith to others. He spoke of how he first attended a w/e retreat through his church. A fellow participant noted to him that he did not seem to be too affected by the sorrowful witnessing by others…little did they know that he had experienced the worst sorrow event of all and that to the bereaved parent all other pains pale in comparison. Mark eventually attended another w/e retreat as a speaker. He was asked to speak on the humanization of Jesus…why was he put on earth to experience life as one of us. As part of this talk, he recalled his pain of loosing Nathan. The way he tied it all together was beautiful and since I won’t do it justice here…enough said.

Mark also spoke of how important it is to not wallow in the comfort of pain—it can overtake you and how to focus on maintaining a good and open relationship with my wife.

Both Angie and Mark are veterans of this club we’ve joined – we appreciate their insight, the time they took out of their own busy lives, but especially we appreciate the though of HOPE.

PS: image from images.com---one of the first that came up for Hope...

Special Gifts

We've received many supporting emails, cards, masses, $$, food, statues and other special gifts since Christine's death...two are of note this week.

Some very good friends of my parents (who don't know me that well) have had a star named for Christine! We received a large package this week containing a framed map of the location of that star. This is so special! Christine was always the first one to notice the bright moon and the many stars around it. Now we need to have the darn clouds clear out so we can locate it.

The morning Christine died, I went out onto the driveway by myself (before dawn) and looked to the sky to ask why?, where are you? where have you gone? She was right there...the sky has not looked like this before or since. The best way I can describe it is a wave-like cirrus cloud formation...similar to the pic, but the waves were much more aligned and orderly and illuminated with the pre-dawn stars. It was amazing! Now her star is among the clouds of heaven.

The 2nd special gift we received this week was a CD of music that a fellow blogger created just for us. Jeff spent considerable time and thought selecting the songs and putting them in a specific order. He also wrote a very nice note about how these songs affect him and how they remind him of Christine--I teared up just reading the note--can only image what will happen listening to the music.

This may not seem special to most, but Jeff has never met Christine or me. He only stumbled across my blog last month via another blog-site I had commented on. He is a father and feels the pain and sorrow surrounding our family. This too is so special!

These very kind gestures, from people who hardly know me, means the world to me. C & I look forward to gazing at Christine's star and listening to the music for now till we meet her again.
Thanks so much!!

Religious Shows--Pain and Sorrow

Over the last few months, there have been some interesting news programs and shows on TV regarding the Bible, the Pope and Heaven. I'm assuming they were on around the Christmas season for a reason...and of course I took note and watched most of them.

The mini-series about Pope John Paul II's life was a real interest to me. I recall when he became Pope and have known of his life and goodness since then. But little did I know how much sorrow/pain he had endured by the age of 20 or so. His mother died when he was 9, his brother, a Dr., while he was in his teens and then followed shortly there after by is father. I also believe that he had a brother or sister that died before he was born or when he was very young.

Then, during the early part of WW II, while becoming a priest, he witnessed the death of fellow priests and capture of friends in Poland at the hands of the Nazi's. I knew nothing of this before the show and am amazed at the strength he must have had to endure such heartache. Not to compare depths of sorrow or pain, but his seems so much more burdensome than mine. I know that he sought out the good Lord to help him through those times and through the tough times he endured at the end of his life struggling with his illness.

For Christmas, I received a DVD of the Mel Gibson movie, The Passion of the Christ. Since it's release almost two years ago now, I've known that I wanted to see it. Now I will. People that I've talked to about it say...'it's powerful and moving', 'I cried the entire movie', 'I have it on DVD but have not watched it yet', 'I don't want to see all the gore'... I'm certain I'll be watching it soon. I will then be reminded of the true meaning of pain and sorrow. He gave his life for us.

Happy Birthday Jennie

Yesterday was my friend Jennie's birthday--she's been gone since May. In remembrance of an old friend, I lit a luminary on our front porch Monday night and kept it lit all day yesterday...was still lit this a.m. on my way out to work. Although we'd not kept in touch much over the years, she and her family mean so much to me. They are a strong faithful family that has lost a bright smiling face.

I called Jennie's sister Amy yesterday, to tell her that I was thinking and praying for her and the family. She does not live near her Mom and family, so I knew she would need some comfort that day. I called her about 11 a.m. as I knew her family would be at a mass for Jennie at that time. We had not spoken in many years as well...but that did not matter. We spoke of good times and sorrowful times. We spoke of the pain we feel at the loss of our loved one. We spoke of the time when we shall meet them again and that felt good.

I mentioned to Amy that as I was getting off the train Monday night, the next chapter title of the book I'm reading was, Birthdays in Heaven...so I read it weeping on the train ride in to work on Jennie's birthday.

Jennie, I hope that you, as a mother, taken from your daughters oh too soon, can now take care of my little Christine. She's not hard to find up there...she's the bright-eyed little girl who's probably playing in a park somewhere.

What friends do…

Knowing that C & I have been attending mass separately these last few months (Lauren is just too squirmy to handle and listen to the Lord at the same time), J asked if she could come over to watch Lauren while we went to mass together sometime. What perfect timing…the 9:30 a.m. mass today was for Christine and so we took her up on her offer right away. We invited her to spend the night last night so she would not have to drive the hour from her house so early on a Sunday.

As we sat around and chatted last night, we discussed some of my blog items, grief groups and counseling—among other lighter subjects like the ILLINI. Anyway, she noted that she has been asking herself what she could do for us, what we needed. That is a very common question asked of us every week…what can we do for you, what do you need? Besides the very obvious, give us back the light we lost--which the Lord will do some day--see previous post here, there is one major thing peeps can do for us and J was already doing it. I told her this morning, as she left, that her offer to watch Lauren and her overnight visit was exactly what we needed…closeness of friends who lend an ear and just listen are great! J-you are great. The time you came by the house weeks earlier and it was just the two of us talking about Christine was also very special to me…never ever thought I’d be sitting on my couch crying in your arms…you have provided great comfort and support by just being Janice—you are very special to our family.

Thank you for driving over 50 miles each way to visit, listen and cry with us. Thank you for continued friendship and the time you spend with us…that’s what we need!!

"We will see it clear some day"

As I spoke to an old friend yesterday, she quoted these words -- on the w/e of The Epiphany of the Lord.

She too, had lost a daughter last year and so now we're both a member of the club that "will see it clear some day!!" Today, we may not know why our precious daughter's are gone...but some day the good Lord will make it clear--I'm certain of that. I look forward to that epiphany.

I called her to see how her holiday’s were and to let her know that I would be thinking and praying for her on Tuesday, 1.10.06—her daughter’s birthday. This will be a much tougher day, than any holiday, to get through. I’m not certain how we will cope come June 22 this and every year.

I so look forward to that epiphany!!!

Blogging before reading

I've made a conscious effort to blog my thoughts well before I started to dive into grief/support books...as to not seem to be echoing the book themes or skew my blogging in a certain direction. As I've now finished my first book (in just over a week?--is that even possible for an engineer who never reads) and have read a few other short publications, I see that I made the right choice or did I. Most everything I've read so far, I have experienced or at least thought about but may not have blogged...but I probably will.

I've just finished reading The Bereaved Parent. There are many points that I want to touch on, and will do so in other blog entries.

I'm now reading After the Darkest Hour the Sun Will Shine Again : A Parent's Guide to Coping with the Loss of a Child.

C and I are reading Healing After Loss: Daily Meditations For Working Through Grief. It's an easy one page read a day for the year.

As I sit on the train reading these books daily, I never ever thought I'd be reading these types of books in my life, but they are insightful and helpful in the healing process. Thanks to those who bought them for us and you are welcome to read them after we've done so.

NYE w/e '05

Well...much like the Christmas holiday w/e, I did not feel like celebrating much at all for NYE. On Friday 12.30.05, we went to my P's downstate to see them since we'd not seen them for Christmas. Lauren had fun opening the P's and Paul's presents for them--thanks for letting her do that.

I intended to lay low there with the family for the w/e, but knew that our friends would miss us at our usual NYE dinner that night. So, in true grief-Mueller fashion, I made the suggestion that we head north in the 11th hour. We went to 4:15 mass, where I saw my grade-school friend Bone. Always great to see him...has young kids and can relate to my pain. Bone, I will call you sometime to just BS.

We headed back to Chi-land after mass and went to--Insert name of property here--? I had indicated my reluctance to attend to Sods and Jay earlier in the week but then I thought I was being a bit selfish...they are all hurting as we are and so we joined them for the evening for a good meal with friends.

The *roast beast* was excellent this year (2nd times a charm--Well done Jay)...L-S-S, this photo shows what happened last year...gotta know the difference between Fahrenheit and Celsius. Yes, that is fire extinguisher dust, and we did salvage the meat!

The mashed potato cook-off this year was fun. (Brian, you really won.) Of course, the salad is always good, and the dinner conversation was up to par. Sorry, I don't eat much dessert, but I'm guessing it was superb.

The evening was pretty typical, snacking on shrimp, cheese, *fire-brand* chili, catching up since the last time we all saw each other, eating the beast and watching the countdown with all-including some sleepy kids. After the small hoopla and picture taking in front of the fireplace, I left for a moment and when I returned, Sods was sitting on the couch with C, holding her hand and both crying...not certain what spawned it, but later learned, C heard a sad song on TV after the NYE celebration. I came in and just stood there crying...thinking of what a sad year it had been. Wishing Christine was there!!

Jay came up to me, putting his arm around me saying he was really glad we came and that it took a lot of courage to do so...I don't think it was my/our courage, rather the strength we feel and get from our friends that makes it happen...it truly is amazing. There was more hugging and crying with Sods and Sarah. I'd hoped to avoid all that, by not coming, but it does help to share/cry with friends who feel this great loss as well.

Everyone was glad we came and so were we...

Lunch for 2, for 2 hours, times 2 (2x2x2)

I went to lunch last Thursday with a new friend and Saturday with an old friend.

Thursday 12/29:
I've only known Craig for a few weeks now, but we have so much in common...loss of a young daughter in 2005-enough said. We had intended to go to one of my (& his) favorite spots in the loop, but the evening before, The Berghoff decided to announce that they are going to close their doors in 2 months after 100+ years. So so sad, that's a whole other blog entry! So, the place had a line down the block, and we went to plan B.

Craig knew of a nice Italian place, so we went there to eat/talk/share. We spent lunch talking about how we feel about this tragedy that has been thrust upon us...about how others feel toward us, about how we'll get through not over this and on and on. I know we kept interrupting each other, getting off on tangents easily since we wanted to share these things with each other right then. Before too long, two hours had gone by and I know I had a few tears in my eyes more than a few times...once again--who cares. Patrons can stare and think what they want. It was nice talk to someone who knows exactly how I feel. I know that Craig and I are in slightly different grief *places* and that we're dealing with it differently as well--but that's OK. A new perspective from someone who's part of the *club* is very very helpful. Craig bought and I told him the next one is on me. Thanks Craig! I truly appreciate the time we spent getting to know each other and each others grief.

Saturday 12/31:
Mark (my best man and best friend) and I have known each other since HS, close to 25 years now. I met him at Darcy's Pint for a *shoe* while we were both in Springfield for the w/e. We sat at the bar drinking tea and pop for two hours, chatted about all kinds of things...did some crying, did some laughing. Days earlier I had just let Mark know about this site. He has a very busy life these days, with a wife in school and 3 young kids...so I did not expect him to have read much if any of the blog...I was wrong. He told me he read it one evening while his family slept. As a father & friend, he wept --- and so I teared up then knowing he was sitting there crying while he read it. His wife asked what was up, you typically don't cry while surfing the web, so he told her. It makes me sad that so many people are hurt by this event---Christine's death---that is so damn!! hard to type. I'm tearing up now---damn-it!!!

We spoke of some of the entries and spoke of the low times in both our lives. It's great to get together with Mark, although he has not experienced my exact pain first hand, he has lost his father and close uncle and he does know me very very well. His kindness and thoughtfulness are always there. Mark--Our angels are in heaven looking out for all of us. Old Chuck--take care of my baby girl!!


These simple lunches, sharing food and conversation with two different friends, have kept me going!! It gives me something to look forward to for the week/month and has helped me focus on what lies ahead. I look forward to another 2x2x2 very soon!!! Thanks guys!!

God is listening

Update to the prayer request for Christopher and Claire.

*Children on road to recovery...the children’s health appears to be improving...those praying for the siblings should keep doing so.*

Thank you all for your prayers for these kids!! The power of prayer is working. (Thank you Mike and Deb for letting me watch CNN at your house.)

http://tinyurl.com/aqhqk

THANK YOU LORD for sparing Tina and David the pain of losing their children. Please continue to look out for them as they have a long road to full recovery.