PRAYER REQUEST

A relative of mine has two kids, ages 2 & 4, who are very ill in a hospital in St. Louis. Their story will be featured on CNN tonight (12/28) on the Anderson Cooper show at 9pm CST. Here are a few links to the recent newspaper articles and a link(removed) to the CNN show/site.

December 19, 2005, http://tinyurl.com/axl8s

December 23, 2005, http://tinyurl.com/e42fx

December 28, 2005, http://tinyurl.com/7l7hf

December 29, 2005, http://tinyurl.com/c9dlc

December 30, 2005, http://tinyurl.com/bn2cj

Please keep them in your daily prayers!!

Christine is among us

As I skipped the Christmas Eve gathering at my s-i-l's, and potted the plants and went to church, I was hoping for a sign that Christine was *around*...here's what I observed.

The entrance to the church was lit with more luminaries than we had on our block the previous week--just beautiful! I watched the entrance procession as a cute little blond girl carried in the baby Jesus...wondering how nice it would be if Christine could have done that someday. What a great honor for that child and family to take part in the mass that way. We have a very large faith community at St. Ray's, so I knew it was special to be chosen of all the families to take part in such a way on Christmas Eve. The sermon was by Fr. Phil, whom I first spoke to at church that fateful morning. He began to speak about the song Silent Night...saying, *how could it be so silent, with all the animals in the manger, labor/birth of a child etc.* I found it nice that he was talking about the song we had just sung at the luminary lighting the week before. There are lots of good Christmas songs to choose from and he chose that one...and of course it was sung during communion.

On Christmas morning I went to the 7:30 mass. Instead of using the stairs, I walked up the newly constructed ramp to the entrance of the church as Christine loved to do--a bit out of her way, but she liked it-so I did it for her for the first time that morning. Fr. Tom spoke of the different paths we are on, and what path led those to the manger that night. I listened and found him speaking to me. I had just taken a different path to the church entrance moments earlier... we would typically just let Christine run over to the ramp and walk it herself--we would not do it with her, but that morning I did. They did not sing Silent Night...so I was a bit disappointed. There was no procession with baby Jesus either.

Carolyn went to the 9:30 mass and was approached after communion, as she sat alone in the pew, by our good friend Fran, our daycare sitter for Christine/Lauren...she sat with her and held her hand till the end of mass. Turns out one of her daughters had fainted at mass and so she took her to the back of the church for water and then spotted Carolyn...otherwise she would have not seen her from the other side of the church.

Our friend Laura (organized the luminary lighting), mother of little Rosie, Christine's good friend/classmate on the block, left us a voicemail about her experience at 11:15 mass. She said Rosie and her had gone up to the manger to say a prayer for Christine, when Deacon John came up to them and asked if Rosie would carry the baby Jesus in the procession and lay him in the manger...that made me cry...Rosie was chosen...what an honor. They did sing Silent Night and Angels We Have Heard on High.

My sister spoke of her experience at mass at home with my parents and brother...they sang both Silent Night and Go Tell It On The Mountain...the only two songs we sang at the luminary lighting.

As I reflect on all of this, I know that Christine was there with us all at each mass.

The first item on Christine's Christmas list was a new pair of white slippers...prompted by mom or sore feet from too small a fit. Anyway, as I was getting ready for mass on Christmas Eve, I saw the small slippers with her socks, cloths etc. to be boxed for the attic. I put them in my coat pockets and took them to both masses. One of her favorite things to do was to wear one white slipper and one pink slipper...gotta find that picture.

On Christmas day, Lauren opened her presents, w/o her big sister to help her...but Christine must have been there. Just weeks earlier, Lauren did not find much interest in opening her birthday gifts but now she was on board---ripped them open and wanted the toy inside...not just the box and wrapping paper. Thank you Christine for watching out for her.

For the first time, C & I made our way to the cemetery that afternoon. We laid a red rose for Christine and her grandfather and great-grandmother. C and I hugged and cried as C said she did not think it would be this difficult...it will never be easy.

On Christmas day/evening, I continued to light the luminaries, but now just one. I will continue to do so each evening this week...just reminds me that you are among us!

Christmas without our Angel

Christine,

This Christmas, I do not feel like celebrating (opening gifts, gathering with family) without you...however, I do feel the deep need to celebrate Christ's birth at mass tonight and tomorrow. My senses are ultra-heightened these days and I'm very saddened at how much the media hypes the gift giving vs. the birth of Christ...it truly saddens me! I think I’ve always felt that way, but this week I really feel it.

I know you would have loved to open any gift you got--remember sitting on the couch and going through the Sunday flyers looking and circling the toys you liked, asking for that and writing it down on Santa’s list…Then you would have loved going to celebrate mass with us:

--sitting in the pew like a perfect angel
--*reading* the song book
--asking me to take you to the restroom—then you’d cover your ears because the flush was so loud
--holding hands during the Our Father, raising them high
--and giving the sign of peace to everyone around us…

You knew it was Jesus’ birthday, not just a gift giving day.

I do know that others-family, friends-are hurting as I am, I know I should be thankful for those gifts of family and friends that I do have, but for some reason, I want to *suffer* alone tonight. Those plants/vines from our balcony, that we were going to transplant into pots, been sitting in the bathtub for 8 weeks, maybe *we’ll* do that tonight. I’ll keep those vines alive forever.

I lit the 19 luminaries one last time tonight (been doing it all week). Seems fitting that it’s lightly raining out…the skies are crying too. They are lighting the way for you and Jesus to come home tomorrow. I know in your class at school, they only count to 19 now with out you there and the kids ask ‘when can we count to 20 again’--they truly miss you! It’s amazing that there just happen to be 19 on our property…God knew.

I have no idea how we’re going to get through the next 40 years with out you!! But I’ll continue to see you in your sister Lauren, as I did when she napped on my chest this afternoon. Please look out for her and keep her close to you.

As I say every evening, ‘Good night Christine, I miss you, I love you and I’m so sorry.'

Daddy

The Christine Mueller Memorial Drive

C's efforts (below) to help others in need, in Christine's name. She's been in the office products industry and sent this to over 50 influential peeps in the business--hoping to get them all they need at St. Ann's.

Just months before her passing, I was asking C what we could do to teach Christine how lucky she is and how others are not so lucky and we did not immediately know how to teach her that...so now, from heaven, she will see how generous others are to help those in need.

*******************************************************************************
As you know, my precious 4-year-old daughter Christine died suddenly on October 30. My husband Marty and I are unspeakably devastated by our loss. As I have been confronting my grief these past weeks, I saw an opportunity to try to help people whose lives have been devastated in another way -- by Hurricane Katrina. I am asking for your support as I organize the Christine Mueller Memorial Drive so that the beauty and goodness of Christine can be known and remembered as we reach out to others in need.

Next year, Christine would have attended Kindergarten at St. Raymond de Penafort School in Mt. Prospect. Recently, St. Raymond has partnered with the hurricane ravaged community of St. Ann in Metairie, Louisiana (http://www.stannschool.org/). Although badly damaged, St. Ann realistically has the potential and the commitment of its people to rebuild and begin again, and its #1 priority is St. Ann's School. As the St. Ann School clean-up progressed over the past 3 months, the 1,100 students have been attending classes in two different neighboring schools. On December 5, St. Ann School re-opened its doors and started holding classes. This is a huge rallying point for the community. The community feels that at school, the students have an escape from the realities of home. The sentiment is that if St. Ann students can be happy and safe during school hours, then they can forget a little bit about the devastation of their home lives. Approximately 40-50% of the community is living in homes that have been damaged at least as severely as the school.

Although St. Ann School has re-opened, they are functioning with just basic supplies. I am asking you to check your inventories for any overstocked, discontinued or used furnishings that you could donate to St. Ann School on behalf of the Christine Mueller Memorial Drive. Specifically, St. Ann School needs the following items:

-Edited out by MPM, they need lots of stuff-

As you can see from the photos below, Christine was a strikingly beautiful child. Strangers would constantly tell me how pretty she was, but they were people who only saw her from the outside. Christine was the ideal child -- nice, smart, sweet, friendly, lovable, fun, helpful, giving, thoughtful, and beautiful both inside and out. And what is most important and so special and comforting to me now is that her inner beauty far eclipsed her physical beauty. Christine had a compassion for others far beyond her years, and this made it easy to teach her about reaching out and helping people in need.

If you can donate any of these items to St. Ann through the Christine Mueller Memorial Drive, please contact me by phone or email so that I can help coordinate shipping arrangements. Thank you in advance for your generous support of the Christine Mueller Memorial Drive.

Carolyn Mueller

The Lighting

Yesterday...a special day for sure. Laura and Dave organized the lighting of 184 luminaries on our block and 75 others were done on the next block...the sight of this along with all the support of the neighbors and friends, was amazing. Near dusk, we stood in the driveway, in single digit temps, holding hands to sing Silent Night and Go Tell it on the Mountain--the pre-school kids sing it at school. I could not sing, since I was crying so much. We hosted an open house before and after the lighting so that we could visit with & thank these great friends who care so much. C made some of the famous Marty's mom's Italian beef sandwiches and some Cincinnati Chili. Peeps brought so many sweets, sides etc. that it was quite the feast.

I walked up one side of the block and down the other with some neighbors, remembering things of Christine and just talking. Others who loved her, did the same. After all left the house, C and I walked the block to soak it all in...just beautiful!! We'd heard they would stay lit for 6 hours---expected to see them out by 10:30--still lit. When C got up at 3 a.m. for crying Lauren, still lit. And Laura said that Dave blew some out on his way to work early this a.m....amazing. A big thank you to Laura and Dave...what a nice tribute to Christine.

Tini, I hope you saw how loved and missed you are.

Be Not Afraid

“Do not be afraid, Mary, for you have found favor with God." This is from the Gospel today. Fr. Bernie spoke about --Be Not Afraid-- and what that means in our daily lives. Of course, I've heard reference to this many many times (including the song at the funeral) over the last 7 weeks and contemplate it often, along with last weeks sermon about having *a mission*...which Fr. Bernie also mentioned last night. BTW, last nights 5:15 mass intentions included one for Christine...C and I held hands at that moment and just cried...so damn hard!!!!! Special thanks to Lill, Tess and Scott for joining us last night...I do know that you all hurt as much as we do.

Anyway, after I met with Fr. Mick yesterday a.m., where he did a lot of listening to me for an hour and a half--thanks, I came away with a few new insights into these issues, though we may not have mentioned them directly. Mick did speak of keeping our marriage in a good place and quoted high statistics about families that break up after a loss like this...C and I are always close, weather we talk about it much or not, and have had some not so pretty arguemnts, so I do see a need to refocus our communication...(and thank you Chris for asking about this too last night). It's weird to me that similar themes keep popping up here and there. Gotta mean something. I mentioned to Mick about hearing the Lord, at every mass, talking right to me about these many issues and he stated that if we listen he's always talking to us. I intend to blog a bit more about *mission*, not certain what it means to me today, but will contemplate further.

Regarding *be not afraid*, Mick mentioned that the Lord is indeed in each and every person around my family at this time...helping us cope, providing great support and just plain being there to listen to us...God only knows when true peace will come, but my ears are open and I'm listening...trying *not to be afraid* of what my/our new mission is and what the furure holds.

Lord, please help us find our way.

"That's not Jello"

Long-story-short, that's what C said after the banter at the neighbor dinner party last night...was it jello, was it cheese cake, what was it? Six couples laughing loudly about it, struck a funny bone with all. But Shawn, C still ate it...

Last night, our neighbors had 5 other neighbor couples over for some holiday cheer. Tony & Noreen live just two doors down and have just added to their split level house....with new kitchen and dinning room, Nor wanted to break it in. These couples (and others not there) are the neighbors that fed us for weeks after the wake/funeral and continue to provide great support for us...they'll also be putting together the Luminary Lighting today...what great people they are. God is certainly all around us--in them!!

It was so nice to enjoy an evening of great conversation, laughter and gift exchange with them all. There were some tears as Chris(tine) asked about how we're getting along, and talk about Christine...but more joy than anything.

Thank you all for helping us cope, with out even knowing it!!

Luminaria Lighting, In Memory of Christine

Well...the never ending support from our great!! neighbors on Cathy Lane (and off Cathy as well) have really got me crying this w/e.

Laura, mother of little Rosie in Christine's class and very close friend, has contacted the MP Jr. Women's club to get over 190 luminairs to light up and down Cathy Lane from Busse to Candota on Sunday at 3 p.m....the sight of that will probably bring me to my knees in tears of sadness and joy.

She'd planned on having peeps come to her house for refreshments and Christmas carols, but C called her to say we'll open up our house to have food, beverages etc...

I wish you all could be here to *celebrate* this too!! If you're in the hood, please stop by.

I think this is the last picture taken of Christine, happens to be with Lauren too, 11 days before she left us...

Willow House support group--night one

C and I were impressed with the group last night...and I hope/think we found *a fit*. Not a real fan to be a part of this type of club now, but these people have lived/survived the same loss we have and together we will somehow help each other get through.

The small parent/child loss group consisted of a moderator from the Willow House (who I think lost her husband) a women who lost her son 3-4 years ago--very rare leukemia that they had no idea he had until he was gone--happened suddenly in one day; A women, who is a new volunteer, who lost her one year old child in '92 or so in an accident with a sitter-- scalding water or something similar, and then a couple who, when the husband/Craig, began to tell their story, sounded so close to what we've experienced I began to immediately cry. He and Jacki lost their 9 year old daughter Ema in her sleep just this past March and the Dr.’s. still don't know why. She had began taking some anti-biotic for something--not serous, felt like she wanted to sleep by herself, instead of in her room as she always did with her sister and her mom found her gone the next morning...no outward signs of illness the days before. They are so comforted that her sister did not find her in the morning. So we began to find an immediate connection: newly grieving couple, of a young girl from a death of unknown reasons, living just 2 miles away in a neighborhood we looked at before we added on to our place. They seemed so strong as they spoke about it, were as we are still crying at every word we speak. They told their story of kind support from a total stranger in the days following the funeral, who happens to be the other woman in attendance who lost her child 3-4 years ago/leukemia---they are of course no longer strangers. All spoke of how each person/couple feels compelled to help the next get through it. They spoke of another couple who was not there last night, but had a similar young child loss, that we hope to meet. The moderator, who only says enough to keep conversations going on a certain topic, will be a snow bird for the next few months, but has stated that the other moderator will be returning from Israel, will be back next month.

In the hour and a half, we spoke about how we are getting along through the holidays, how some have gotten through the first year of firsts w/o...first b'day, holidays, anniversary etc. Very helpful to hear others speak of the process. I know we will gain insight and strength from this group but I hope we can also provide for others as well.

We exchanged cards at the conclusion and Craig asked me if I was downtown and I said yes, and that it appeared his office was not far from mine...he immediately says 'maybe we can meet at the Berghoff'---well, those who know me, know that's a great German place to gather in the loop and one of my favorite lunch spots--the stand-up bar. C has come down the last few years for my b'day to enjoy/celebrate lunch there with me...I'd intended to have her start bringing Christine next year...I will always regret not being able to take her there along with a long list of other things I wanted to do with her---that's for another long blog.

So, in short, we hope to continue to attend these meetings monthly...thanks to Donna and John for passing on the word about Willow House.

Thoughts from friends

I've just noticed that the blog has been taking a --let's see where and what Marty cried about today turn (which I can do---since it's my blog, but don't want to all the time)... but it will again someday. But today I wanted to post some additional *Remember Items* about Christine, but have had to do some real work at the office and will be attending a WillowHouse grief support group for the first time tonight with C. So, the remember items will be in draft form for now.
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I have been receiving some off-blog (emails) from supporters/friends and have decided to post them here...each has a different look at suffering and grief. Thanks to Jen and Jeff for sharing!!

From an Advent reflections book:
"Lord, may we not run from our own suffering and that of others, but move through it patiently and learn the lessons of compassion it holds. Amen." -- And now I just realized that we forgot to start the Advent Calendar with Lauren, has chocolates for each day ... did it every year with Christine, she so looked forward to opening the little doors after dinner--I'm so so sorry Lauren!!

Stop All The Clocks by W. H. Auden
Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message She Is Dead,
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

She was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last for ever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood.
For nothing now can ever come to any good.

And that concludes my afternoon cry at the office.

Lean On Me (By Bill Withers)

My great friend Sody quoted this song in an email to me today...found it very touching that she quoted it to me and so I listened to it in my cube for the afternoon cry...thanks Nancy! Love you!
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Sometimes in our lives, we all have pain, we all have sorrow.
But if we are not wise, we know that there’s always tomorrow.

Lean on me when you’re not strong
I’ll be your friend I’ll help you carry on
For it won’t be long ‘til I’m gonna need
Somebody to lean on.

Please swallow your pride
If I have things you need to borrow
For no one can fill those of your needs
That you won’t let show.

You just call on me, brother, when you need a hand
We all need somebody to lean on.
I just might have a problem that you’ll understand,
We all need somebody to lean on.

Lean on me when you’re not strong
And I’ll be your friend I’ll help you carry on
For it won’t be long ‘til I’m gonna need
Somebody to lean on

You just call on me, brother, when you need a hand
We all need somebody to lean on.
I just might have a problem that you’ll understand,
We all need somebody to lean on.

If there is a load you have to bear
That you can’t carry I’m right up the road
I’ll share your load if you just call me.

Call me (If you need a friend)
Call me
Call me

Do's and Don'ts (and thank yous)

My sis Tess forwarded me a link to an insightful site last night about "The Death Of A Child - The Grief Of The Parents: A Lifetime Journey" and I quickly focused on this section (I'll be reading the entire 16 pages tonight on the train ride home).

When trying to comfort grieving parents

DO:

• Acknowledge the child's death by telling the parents of your sadness for them and by expressing love and support; try to provide comfort.
• Visit and talk with the family about the child who died; ask to see pictures or mementos the family may have.
• Extend gestures of concern such as bringing flowers or writing a personal note expressing your feelings; let the parents know of your sadness for them.
• Attend the child's funeral or memorial service.
• Remember anniversaries and special days.
• Donate to some specific memorial in honor of the child. Offer to go with the parent(s) to the cemetery in the days and weeks after the funeral, or find other special ways to extend personal and sensitive gestures of concern.
• Make practical and specific suggestions, such as offering to stop by at a convenient time, bringing a meal, purchasing a comforting book, offering to take the other children for a special outing, or treating the mother or father to something special.
• Respect the dynamics of each person's grief. The often-visible expressions of pain and confusion shown by grieving parents are normal. Grief is an ongoing and demanding process.
  

DO NOT:

• Avoid the parents or the grief. Refrain from talking about the child who died or referring to the child by name.
• Impose your views or feelings on the parents or set limits for them about what is right or appropriate behavior.
• Wait for the parents to ask for help or tell you what they need.
• Tell them you know just how they feel.
• Be afraid to let the parents cry or to cry with them.

The main reason I post this is to let you, who read this blog, know that you are doing the right things!! Posting comments to this blog, sending me emails, calling me/us to chat/listen/cry, stopping by the house to just be with us and listen and most importantly, keeping us in your thoughts and prayers.

Special thanks to Patty, who knows my/our pain and seems to always say the right things, Dave, who has much pain of his own these days and still finds time to comfort me, Teresa, who fights her own battle bravely and provides great wisdom, Jennifer and Laura, fellow bloggers, who I sprung this issue on last month, and have provide great support here and via email/IM'ing. And of course a thank you to Christine and JC himself for giving us the strength to get up and endure every day.

I/we really appreciate the continued support. As time marches forward, I'm sure other family/friends will be reading this blog and so here's a shout out to them for all the food you've given us, the comforting reading material, the kind notes, the counseling options, all the calls and continued thoughts and prayers...keep them coming.

Thank You ALL!!!

The Worldwide Candle Lighting

On Sunday at 7 p.m. (to 8p.m.), the Compassionate Friends --http://tinyurl.com/7abqn-- (support group for those parents/families who've lost a child/sibling) held the 9th annual Worldwide Candle Lighting. There are formal gatherings around the country/world, but we just lit them at home this year. I lit one for Jake, Jennifer and Christine. I thought I'd sit there and cry all hour, but I'd just done that for 45 minutes on the phone with my sister Linda. My sister Teresa sat for the hour with a candle, Christine's picture and soothing music. Janice lit one as well and found it hard to blow it out. We kept ours lit until bed time. Thank you all for taking part and remembering.
Stayed home from work today.

*Sad*urday--cryin' everywhere

It started at the dentists office at 8a.m. ...I had called the office to let them now about Christine before the wake/funeral so I would not have to break-down at their office. They came to the wake. I told Jan we were taking it day-by-day. She cleaned away and the Dr. came in to check out the teeth and say she's thinking/praying for us. I started the water works and then Jan listened to me talk about missing her...spent about 5-7 minutes just crying and talking...was nice and sad way to start the day. Thanks for being there Jan!

Mass at 5:15:
Well, it's been pretty much common place now to cry at some point during the mass...it started right before mass when a parent of a pre-schooler stopped to say she saw me last week but did not say anything to me, but that day wanted to say she's praying for strength for us...so I began to tear-up. Then as usual, I listen to the readings/gospel/music with a new focus and think it's all geared toward me. At the sign-of-peace, the mom-Amy, came back a few rows to give me a big hug...more crying. She barely knows me. Probably never been formaly introduced, just passed in the pre-school halls...so nice to have that kindness around us. Thanks Amy!

Later that evening:
Our neighbors, who used to live across the street from us (they were the first ones we called that night we rushed to the emergency room), moved away this summer (3 blocks away) had a house warming/christmas party. We went to get out and take a break. All of our neighbors were there...Julie came over and said, I made Carolyn cry. She told me that she takes classes at a JC and it's across the street from the cemetery and so she stops to visit Christine every Tues/Thurs. Says she's never done it for anyone before. Cleans off the grave from leaves, leaves her hand prints in the snow and talks to her about life, school etc. She is/was one of the pre-school helper moms and she loved Christine---kept planning on one of her older sons to be Christine's prom date. I began to tear-up at the site of her doing this. Then Charlie came over and his tears started up. Right there in the middle of 100+ peeps enjoying holiday cheer, we're hugging and crying. Thanks for being there Juls, Charlie and Todd!

It's going to continue to happen this way for awhile.

Pictures

Tini banini--Yesterday late afternoon, as you saw, I took down the pictures of you in my office cube. It's been just too damn hard for me to look at your beautiful face all day. I'm certain that they'll be back up.
Sorry.

Crying day

Yesterday I cried on at least three separate occasions. Had gone days or more without that...then the gates were open.

It started before work when I stopped by my friendly Italian barber shop and asked for a cut. I only go to Phil about two or three times a year now that I cut my hair (what's left) at home mostly. It's hard for me to spend $20 + tip on the little hair I have left. I've been going to him for probably more than 10 years now. I see him on the evening train ride home, and so we know each other well. It was just me, Phil and Franko-the other barber, in the shop that a.m. We typically chat about weather, sports, vacations and family...we got past the damn cold weather issue and the lack of any scheduled trips, then silence for a few minutes. Then Phil says, 'tell me something good, how are the kids?'... Well, that's all it took. I mentioned that it was Lauren's first birthday that day and that I had some sad news...When I told them, he and Franko were floored and did not expect to hear such bad news. Phil hugged me in the chair, from the side, and tried to gather words to express his sorrow.

I know I will continue to run into people who do not know about Christine and will then have to tell them the sad news...in public places most likely. As I sat there in the chair and cried, as Phil tried to continue to cut, he expressed his sadness and sorrow, stating that it should not happen like that today. He talked about his two sisters (3.5 and 1.5) who passed away many many years ago back in Italy, and that back then it was more common. As I continued to cry/chat, another patron came in chatted with Phil and was going to wait for Phil to finish with me...he sat down and I tried to compose myself as to not look like a babbling fool. As we finished, and I got up to pay him at the front counter, he said, 'don't take this wrong, but go buy something for your little girl'. He did not want me to pay for the cut...now that's not why I went in there...free cut. I went in to get well groomed since the last time I had a cut was the day of the wake, 5 weeks earlier, in a rush in my master bath...it looked shaggy and needed to be cut a week earlier. I thanked him, began to cry some more and gave him a hug. As I walked to get my coat, Franko stood up, with tears in his eyes and gave me a hug and said how sorry he was...now that was a weird scene for patron #1. He had to be wonder what the heck was going on. As I left, in tears, I again thanked them both and walked the block and 1/2 to the office weeping--tears freezing to my cheeks. As I entered the elevator in my building, a woman getting off, did a double take at me and must have seen my tear soaked eyes.

Then, throughout the day, I spoke to my sister, my friend Dave, my mom and a close client-Dan...I recalled this story and other issues relating to Christine, struggling family life etc. and cried along the way--on the phone, in my open cube at the office. My eyes looked like hell.

I'm thinking a good cry in the morning, helps me get focused for tasks at work...nah.

Doing something big...

Well, we're not certain what this means today, but C and I want to do something big/special to keep Christine's name/spirit alive. We've received so much $$ support for her memorial fund, and we intend to do something significant for her pre-school. But we want to do something beyond that...I see (on-line) that some memorial funds are used to support scholarships of some kind...not certain that is appropriate for the pre-school...suggestions are welcome here.

Lauren's Birthday

This w/e we'll be celebrating Lauren's first birthday (actual b'day 12/6)...she'll miss her big sister helping her open the many presents, that's for sure. Christine, please look over and protect her as she grows up.

Finding Strength

On the day of your wake...C & I looked to the heavens as we walked into the FH and asked you-Christine, to give us strength as we prepared the room for you with many, many pictures of you and awaited the 6 hour wake celebration...and you did. We stood talking to all the people you touched in your 4 short years on earth and you gave us strength to get through that. People came to share in our sorrow and provide support. They have provided so much strength as well. The only reason we have been able to survive this ordeal is because of the support and strength we have gotten and continue to get from our close family, friends, faith in God...and of course from you. Please know that you will always be with us and will never leave our hearts.

As time marches on, I find myself seeking out the support of those who have faith as well. I've contacted a few of my HS teachers who were brothers in the priesthood 25 years ago and are now well schooled priests--I'll be meeting with them soon to talk. I've also contacted old friends that I've not seen in decades that share in the lords faith as well...just talking to them on the phone and sharing emails has provided great strength.
Dad