Thursday, October 30, 2008

3 years

The day and last night are so reflective. A few tears last night as I recalled that evening 3 years ago and got a nice email from a friend who always knows what to say....thanks Bone.

C and I went to mass this a.m. as the mass was said for Christine. We saw a neighbor/parishioner/mother (Eileen) of a boy who was in Christine's pre-school... She came up to us as we knelt in the pew hugging us and said we've not forgotten and that her son Brian was talking about Christine last night...then the entrance hymn was 'We Remember' (or better said, we've not forgotten :)...well, it's really about Christ, but the words/refrain hit home...'We remember, we celebrate, we believe...'

We then took Lauren to her pre-school class dressed in her pink cat outfit...and returned at 11 to hear the kids sing songs...and took a picture of Lauren at Christine's memorial bench in front of the school...no trip to the cemetery... C went earlier in the week before we went to Starved Rock...which was a great relaxing time ... enjoying the fresh air, the beauty of fall and the quiet of the woods... all because of her.

So, it's been an okay week.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

last kiss...

As I sit here, reflecting on what events occurred 3 years ago today/tonight, my eyes easily fill with tears...and flow so easily. The tears have been fewer the last 12 months, but they come when they need too and when I least expect them too.

I recall the last tear I wiped from your face this afternoon as you sat in our room watching a movie...you must have known. I remember the last cute look you gave me as you sat on the couch...I wanted to get the camera, and now I regret that I did not...I recall that very serious face, you looked so much older and yet so cute...it pains me to remember it. I remember the last moments of it all~as if it was yesterday....talking about making those homemade pizza's 'tomorrow' as we knew you did not feel well tonight...talking about cooking marsh mellows over the fire 'tomorrow' as well... the things we never got to do. I painfully remember the last kiss I gave you as mom walked you in our room to sooth you...

The real pain will be waking up at 2:15 a.m. tonight/tomorrow to know that you are gone...but I know I will see you again.

'Tini, I love you, I miss you and I'm so sorry we've lost you...
I feel your presence daily...thank you.
good night from Daddy.
----

ps...I thank those who remember this day and our pain...Patty, Martha, Jennifer, Janice, Bone and all those who remember in their own way. Your kind words, thoughts and prayer are so greatly appreciated.

Sunday, October 26, 2008

start of a reflective week

Our w/e, heading into the semi-week-off, had a 'good' start...I guess.

On Friday, as C/L went to open-gymnastics, I stayed home and was about to work on some projects as I flipped through the tv channels and landed on a fave...City of Angels... it was not listed in the tv-guide and sadly it was the last 20 minutes of the movie...the most emotional part...the part where he experiences pure 'warmth' and love then looses it in an instant... I think I began to tear up the moment I saw that it was on... and was in a full blown cry before it ended.

This movie has had meaning to me for a very long time...before we knew Christine, but after we knew Teresa had a battle on her hands. I always knew the soundtrack song Iris by the Goo Goo Dolls would be there for me...but I missed hearing it in the movie that night. I played it in the car ride home from Teresa's to our home the morning we all left Teresa's just hours after she passed. And now I listen to it on the iPod all the time...






We went to see my 'cousin' and Martha on Saturday night, and Lauren had a blast playing Wii bowling and skiing with her 'cousins' John and Sarah. We enjoyed good food, wine and conversation as well. Although it is only the 2nd time we've met, it's so nice to be with family. Odd little things said/done through out the evening, made it apparent that we were related...that's nice.




Since we were out on Sat. night, my usual event of going to mass at 5:30 was out and so we all went at 9:30 on Sunday...the mass was being said for Christine, so I knew it would be an emotional mass to start the week off. It is also the w/e that all parisoners are asked to bring a framed photo of their loved one who has passed to place near the Holy Family shrine ...so that they can all be remember during the month of November. As I knelt in the pew before mass, I watched C and L walk up to the shrine...to place Christine's photo amongst the many. Even from my far away pew, I could see the pic of Johnny ...damn. As C/L returned to the pew and mass was beginning, Lauren began to cry in C's arms and I tried to comfort her and find out what was the matter and C said that Lauren said she misses Christine...damn again. And so the mass starts with tears...as I said, I knew it would be an emotional start to the week...but...

What I truly did not know was that all the 2nd graders, preparing for 1st communion next year, would also be at mass... and I had to do some math in my head to realize Christine should be there too (I try not to dwell on the 'she would be in 2nd grade this year' thought process...I barely know how old she would be w/o doing the math--she's always 4 to me). I dread that 9:30/family mass anyway, seeing all the kids and not being able to concentrate on the mass w/ all the commotion, and this was a knife in the heart...seeing some of the kids from her pre-school class, watching the parents and kids go to the alter/baptismal font to sign their child...knowing we should be a part of it...but are not. It hurt more than Thursday will...It hurt to see the happy families, it hurt to know some parents were not even there for the ceremony with their child-missing the start of the child's true formation in Christ-yes, it really starts at baptism, but the kid does not recall that. For some reason, some kids only had one parent and I know that the other parent should be there...why weren't they. And there we were watching it all from the sidelines. The mass, the readings, the songs etc., all hit home...especially as we prepared to go to communion, I heard the word wine sung and I swear at that moment I smelled wine...weird. We went to hospitality (donuts and juice) after mass and got a few hugs from those who remember-or they read the bulletin seeing that mass Thursday morning will be for said for Christine's 3rd anniversary. The mass was also said for little Joey who died a few years before Christine and I knew his birthday was close...I saw his dad and he said it was on Saturday....they celebrated with cake with their foster girls. Once again, letting us know we are not the only ones who struggle. And so the week begins...

Thursday, October 16, 2008

timely quotes

... sharing a few quotes that crossed my path this week

'Let's not look back in anger or forward in fear, but around in awareness.'
James Thurber

'I believe in a God who does not send the tragedy but who sends the incredible grace to deal with the tragedy.'
Rabbi Harold Kusner

I'm not familiar with authors of the quotes, but can certainly relate to their message. Awareness is one special gift I've been given and although I feel that it fades at times, it does return...and I do know that He's trying to give us all the gift of grace to 'deal' with our sorrows.