start of a reflective week

Our w/e, heading into the semi-week-off, had a 'good' start...I guess.

On Friday, as C/L went to open-gymnastics, I stayed home and was about to work on some projects as I flipped through the tv channels and landed on a fave...City of Angels... it was not listed in the tv-guide and sadly it was the last 20 minutes of the movie...the most emotional part...the part where he experiences pure 'warmth' and love then looses it in an instant... I think I began to tear up the moment I saw that it was on... and was in a full blown cry before it ended.

This movie has had meaning to me for a very long time...before we knew Christine, but after we knew Teresa had a battle on her hands. I always knew the soundtrack song Iris by the Goo Goo Dolls would be there for me...but I missed hearing it in the movie that night. I played it in the car ride home from Teresa's to our home the morning we all left Teresa's just hours after she passed. And now I listen to it on the iPod all the time...

We went to see my 'cousin' and Martha on Saturday night, and Lauren had a blast playing Wii bowling and skiing with her 'cousins' John and Sarah. We enjoyed good food, wine and conversation as well. Although it is only the 2nd time we've met, it's so nice to be with family. Odd little things said/done through out the evening, made it apparent that we were related...that's nice.

Since we were out on Sat. night, my usual event of going to mass at 5:30 was out and so we all went at 9:30 on Sunday...the mass was being said for Christine, so I knew it would be an emotional mass to start the week off. It is also the w/e that all parisoners are asked to bring a framed photo of their loved one who has passed to place near the Holy Family shrine ...so that they can all be remember during the month of November. As I knelt in the pew before mass, I watched C and L walk up to the shrine...to place Christine's photo amongst the many. Even from my far away pew, I could see the pic of Johnny ...damn. As C/L returned to the pew and mass was beginning, Lauren began to cry in C's arms and I tried to comfort her and find out what was the matter and C said that Lauren said she misses Christine...damn again. And so the mass starts with tears...as I said, I knew it would be an emotional start to the week...but...

What I truly did not know was that all the 2nd graders, preparing for 1st communion next year, would also be at mass... and I had to do some math in my head to realize Christine should be there too (I try not to dwell on the 'she would be in 2nd grade this year' thought process...I barely know how old she would be w/o doing the math--she's always 4 to me). I dread that 9:30/family mass anyway, seeing all the kids and not being able to concentrate on the mass w/ all the commotion, and this was a knife in the heart...seeing some of the kids from her pre-school class, watching the parents and kids go to the alter/baptismal font to sign their child...knowing we should be a part of it...but are not. It hurt more than Thursday will...It hurt to see the happy families, it hurt to know some parents were not even there for the ceremony with their child-missing the start of the child's true formation in Christ-yes, it really starts at baptism, but the kid does not recall that. For some reason, some kids only had one parent and I know that the other parent should be there...why weren't they. And there we were watching it all from the sidelines. The mass, the readings, the songs etc., all hit home...especially as we prepared to go to communion, I heard the word wine sung and I swear at that moment I smelled wine...weird. We went to hospitality (donuts and juice) after mass and got a few hugs from those who remember-or they read the bulletin seeing that mass Thursday morning will be for said for Christine's 3rd anniversary. The mass was also said for little Joey who died a few years before Christine and I knew his birthday was close...I saw his dad and he said it was on Saturday....they celebrated with cake with their foster girls. Once again, letting us know we are not the only ones who struggle. And so the week begins...