Six Months

Six short months ago from an hour ago, I kissed you goodnight for the last time...

6 long months ago from 3 hours from now, I knew we'd lost you...

I miss you so much ... it hurts so much ...

I continue to say...


Good night Christine, I love you, I miss you and I'm so sorry we lost you.......................................

Thinking forward

Can it be that I don't want spring or summer to come at all this year? I've been holding back on posting this one... hurts just thinking about it, let alone typing it out.

This week was really cold...so spring aint here yet.......maybe it won't come.

A few Saturdays back now, my neighbor MB, noted to me that soon I would be out gardening...I told her (as I've told others) that it will be very difficult to do so this year with out my little helper. A few weeks later her husband said the same thing as I was out turning over the garden.

In late March I cleaned up the veg-garden area...I'd thrown all the funeral flowers out there in November and had to face them again in March...should have just tossed them straight into the garbage back in Nov. so I would not have to relive the pain again.

Christine would help me plant tomatoes, hot-peppers and annuals about this time of the year for at least the last 3 years...I can hardly bare to think about doing it w/o her...I know, I should be thinking of taking it up with Lauren...that will come, but it may not be this year. SHe would them love to help water and pick them too. We'd get a bucket from the closet and head out there a few times each week.

I saved and dried out a few tomato seeds from last years crop in hopes that I can grow new cherry, plum and *normal* tomatoes from the seeds every year...I've never grown them from seed...a little late in the season to try this year. We did grow some hot-peppers from seed last March and they have survived the winter in out master bathtub area...will at least stick them in the ground after the last frost warning here...that may be it for this year.

1st beer/baseball/headstone-Joyful/Sorrowful w/e

The w/e started out as planned...road trip to St. Louis on Friday to watch the Cards beat the Cubs! I put in my 1/2 day at the office and picked up Brian at about 11am for yet another bonding outing for us. We left a bit late (11:45 am) but arrived at our destination/Collinsville just after 4pm...perfect. The long trip to/from St. Louis gave Brian and I another opportunity to talk one on one about many subjects...family, friends, business/work, iPods/music, TV shows, Route 66 bike ride, the Bible, swimming this summer and much much more. Not a dull moment--did not seem like we put over 500 miles and 9 hours of travel in...

Bob the ticket holder, drove us into the city and we parked right across from the front gate...now that's service. I'd like to thank fellow bloggers Roger and Jeff for providing me with idea and directions to the MetroLink...we did not use it this time but it will get used--I plan to see a few more games and go that route. We arrived at the new Busch Stadium a bit early (before the gates opened), so we needed to burn some time at a local watering hole (Paddy O's)...guess it was time to break the self-imposed beer fasting...ya gotta drink the King of Beers fresh out of the local brewery. So at 4:48 pm I downed my first beer in 25 weeks. Tasted good! We made our way up to the Bank of America Club...very nice. All inclusive food buffet and drinks. Food included salad, nachos, brats, dogs, pototoes, chicken, beef, pasta, fruit and cookies & brownies. Drinks included r/w wine, Bud products and pop. What a feast! (Dave K.--it was swanky!)

After we gorged the food and slammed a few beers, it was down to our seats...1st row of the 2nd balcony, just past 3rd base--excellent. We stood and toasted my friend Chris who was on the lower (plebeian) level down the left field line. Chris was a good sport and took a good ribbing from the boys in the club seats...next time he'll have to join us!

The Staduim is spectacular...intimate and clean. We walked around to get a feel for the place and loved it. This pic is from Chris's seats. Lots of room and plenty for all and families to do at the ball park-batting cages, build a bear/Fred Bird etc. The views are great...just over Centerfield, the St. Louis skyline and of course the Arch.


The game, for a Card fan, was perfect. In an email earlier in the week, I'd asked Chris to call me after a Pujols homer...didn't take long. He called in the 1st inning! It was his 1000th hit too! Not much cheering from the Cubbies--Cards win 9-3.

I saw more people I know at Busch than I do at Wrigley. I looked down below our seats and spotted a friend of Chris's son who I had just met at the Cub/Card game in Chicago. I knew that Kurt and Karen from Chicago were going to be at the game...they came over from Right Field to visit during the 4th inning...all decked out in Cardinal garb! Was cool to see peeps from home and Springfield at the game.

After the game, we waited out the long parking lot exit lines by going to Al Hrabosky's Ballpark Saloon for a cold one or two...I cut back in the 9th knowing I had to drive 90 miles to Springpatch...but it was nice to see all the Sea of Red. Bob, the guy who had these awesome tickets, ribbed me a bit for being a Card fan (he's a Cub fan) and for not owning a single piece of red clothing...so he bought me a Cardinal Nation T-shirt at Al's--thanks Bob!

After an exciting ride back to pick up my car in Collinsville, we headed to my brothers for the night. A special thanks to Paul for letting us crash for 6 hours...After I dropped Brian off at home, I headed home after a long/fun filled 24 hour trip.

Then Sunday morning came. C noted that she had picked up the proof for the headstone and that we needed to review it... suddenly, back to reality. The only time my heart does not ache is when I don't think about her...which is not very often. The long trip to St. Louis did take my mind off things for a while...but the pain always comes back. With the Lord's guidance, we'll get through (but not over) these tough times...

Thanks to Brian, Bob, Jeff, Chris, Karen, Kurt and Paul for making it a special w/e--despite the ever present sorrow.

Wish I could have seen my St. Louis and So. IL friends, Dave, Amy, Janet, Cindy ... next time.

Cubs v. Cards Take Two

I think this is about the view we will have at the new Busch Stadium on Friday. Sweet! Thanks to Brian for scoring the tix to the 2nd Cub/Card game in 2 weeks.

Go Cards!

Cold Turkey

Lent and Easter are over and I'm quite sad about that. As I began to ponder the text for this post, I received a timely email and so I'm going to *steal* & share a few lines from my friends email, since it sums up my feelings as well...(thanks JJS--hope you don't mind)

"Can you believe Easter is over? I can totally relate to what you said about the joy and sadness of lent being over. I used to hate lent, now I really love it. Then I wonder: Is it OK to love lent? Lent probably isn't supposed to be something you love. But I do. I love the intense spiritual renewal, I love the rituals, I love the preparation of the music, I love the anticipation of the risen Lord...and I really love fish."

This is exactly how I feel, except for loving fish...I do like it but would rather eat meat! Beer-battered fish and fried shrimp do me fine every Friday.

The point is, I've gotten accustom to having an outlet of sorts for my feeling so sad...for sharing my grief...for crying daily. Let's summarize:

During Lent...

• I prayed the MPM version of the Rosary...saying Hail Mary's and Our Father's to/from the 15 minute walk from train to office
• I attended the Taize Prayer Services weekly at St. Ray's
• I attended Stations of the Cross a few Fridays, one at St. Joe's and one at St. Ray's
• I attended CRHP meetings weekly
• I attended mass every Wednesday at lunch time (missed one)
• I fasted on Ash Wednesday and Good Friday
• I abstained from meat every Friday (missed one--darn nachos)
• I abstained from eating any *goodies* at the office
• I attended Holy Thursday Services
• I attended Good Friday Services
• I attended Holy Saturday morning prayer services
• I attended Easter Vigil Services
• I attended Easter Mass

And now it's all gone--I have to go cold turkey! I'm going to continue to pray and try to attend a lunch time mass once a week, but the rest is gone--no quiet prayer with others, no music, no CRHP meeting for a few weeks...It's as if I have the DT's...from Jesus...is that possible? I've got to find other means to keep the faith and spirituality going. I have no immediate plan but I better come up with one soon.

My hope is not to live a Lenten style life forever, but to change my daily routine so that it's not the same old *Rat Race* (I love that song--gotta get that on my IPOD). I want to continue to think how I can serve others or be like Christ or be there more for my family or do something more meaningful with my life...sounds like a classic mid-life crisis combined with grief/loss contemplation effort--wish me luck.

Holy Saturday

I know that my Redeemer Lives...the last song sung at morning prayers moments ago and the first song playing on the radio when I walked in the house...another God-incidence...I think so.

Fr. Bernie spoke of Tomb-Time during his homily this a.m. Stating that we must all endure suffering/tomb-time...and that tomb-time is not the end, there is a resurrection! That is my hope this first Easter without my precious Christine.

I don't need to tell you I cried throughout the entire prayer service just now...but it's a cry that I need to work with/throught--it's sad and joyful at the same time---difficult to put inot words.

Tomorrow I may not want to participate in any egg-hunts, family gatherings w/o her...may be perfect that it will storm all day..........God I miss you Christine!

As we buried you in your pretty pink Easter outfit, I hope you enjoy the egg-hunt in Heaven tomorrow.

John 19:30

When Jesus had taken the wine, he said, "It is finished." And bowing his head, he handed over the spirit.

IF JESUS HAD AN OBITUARY

Jesus Christ, 33, of Nazareth, died Friday on Mount Calvary, also known as Golgotha, the place of the skull. Betrayed by the apostle Judas, Jesus was crucified by the Romans, by order of the Ruler Pontius Pilate. The causes of death were crucifixion, extreme exhaustion, severe torture, and loss of blood.

Jesus Christ, a descendant of Abraham, was a member of the house of David. He was the Son of the late Joseph, a carpenter of Nazareth, and Mary, His devoted Mother. Jesus was born in a stable in the city of Bethlehem, Judea. He is survived by His mother Mary, His faithful Apostles, numerous disciples, and many other followers.

Jesus was self educated and spent most of his adult life working as a Teacher. Jesus also occasionally worked as a Medical Doctor and it is reported that he healed many patients. Up until the time of His death, Jesus was teaching and sharing the Good News, healing the sick, touching the lonely, feeding the hungry, and helping the poor.

Jesus was most noted for telling parables about His Father`s Kingdom and performing miracles, such as feeding over 5,000 people with only five loaves of bread and two fish, and healing a man who was born blind. On the day before His death, He held a Last Supper celebrating the Passover Feast, at which He foretold His death.

The body was quickly buried in a stone grave, which was donated by Joseph of Arimathea, a loyal friend of the family. By order of Pontius Pilate, a boulder was rolled in front of the tomb. Roman soldiers were put on guard.

In lieu of flowers, the family has requested that everyone try to live as Jesus did. Donations may be sent to anyone in need.


Bike note: Over the past 24 weeks, I've received many spiritual and inspirational stories and emails…this is just one--keep them coming. Happy Good Friday.

Holy Thursday (& CRHP Wednesday)

I'll admit it's been a long time since I've attended any Holy Week celebration events...but not this year. I do recall the many times I attended as a kid many years ago.

I attended St. Raymond's 2 hour celebration of the Last Supper...very moving. Since I've read all Gospel accounts, seen the Movie and discussed details of these events at CRHP, this celebration was special...

I was joined in the pew at mass by a few fellow CRHP brothers...thanks to Dan and Art for celebrating with me. As I looked around the almost full Church, I noted many other CRHP brothers, who until 2 months ago, I did not know. Before mass began, Dan and I chatted a bit about the CRHP meeting the evening before...was a moving evening as well.

With no Taize prayer at the Church that Wed. evening, I felt a void of sorts...but the CRHP meeting and Holy Thursday filled that quite nicely. Dan began the CRHP meeting with our usual Contemplative Prayer...very relaxing. We also read Thursdays Gospel scripture, discussed it and then he and Johnny did as Jesus had that night...washed our feet. We were seated in the dining room, there were 12 of us getting our feet washed. The evening was very enlightening.

Back at mass, I discussed the new 10 Commandments show vs. the 50 year old version with Dan a bit ... noting that I had just read Exodus and other books of the Old Testament--was nice to have just read it before seeing the movie. Then I noted that this Easter would be especially tough with out Christine. I noted that we buried her in the pink Easter outfit she would have worn this w/e...that got me tearing of course--can't go to too many masses w/o that happening. I think I can count on one had the times I've not cried.

Anyway, the music for the mass was great! The choir and musicians do such a great job--their hard work and dedication shown through the entire mass. I thought of the similar celebrations taking place at the same time around the city, state, country...family and friends singing and celebrating in Springfield, Co-Springs, Chicago, St. Louis, J-ville, Kansas City...the Vatican. Very powerful to think about that.

After the homily, 3 parishioners spoke of their ministry within the Church. I enjoyed hearing the people speak of their experiences and thought of my brother and parents and all they do to minister--impressive. Makes me wonder what I can do?

Next came the RCIA candidates...Fr. Bernie and Deacon John washed their feet and then the RCIA folks washed the feet of anyone who came to the alter...I sat and cried for no real apparent reason...was a very moving moment to see the people partake and I guess I felt a real connection since we'd just done that the evening before and discussed its real meaning...I leave that for you to reflect on.

The rest of the mass was great...lights turned down at the closing procession with candle-light procession...repeating songs sung similar to Taize...that was nice, clearing of the alter. I'd forgotten a lot of the details of the evening--good to know it again.

Said hi to a few brothers on the way out and skipped the Soup dinner afterward...maybe next year. Looking forward to Good Friday, Easter Vigil and mass for Christine at 8 a.m. on Easter morning.

Grand Slam

Normally that statement would conjure up good thoughts ... unless you're on the losing end of one...damn-it-all---we were. The Cards lost to the Cubbies and the Cub fans acted as if they had won the flipping World Series! Hello--it's April 9th with over 150 games to go peeps! Guess they have to celebrate when they can…sweeping the Cards is their WS.

A few weeks back, Bone had noted that he and Chris wanted to come to Chicago to visit me some Sunday...that Sunday was this past w/e. What great friends I have.

I’ve known Bone for almost 40 years (wow)…way back to St. Joe’s grade school days. We’d not kept in touch much until later in life--both of us having kids late in life kind of brought us back together…and now he’s shown me the true meaning of friendship…standing by me when I need the support after Christine’s death—can’t say enough about how much that means to me right now! Thanks Bone.

Chris and I went to HS together and worked together for a short time over 20 years ago and have seen each other every couple of years or so since. Once again, not keeping in touch much until later in life. We’d see each other at the State Fair or when I stopped by the old/now new office. And now, Chris too has shown me the true meaning of friendship—also standing by me at my time of greatest need…thanks Chris.

The boys arrived at Casa de Mueller about 1pm and so it began. After a quick tour of the casa, we hopped in the car and headed to Wrigleyville for a lunch. We went to the very popular Murphy’s Bleachers bar/grill just outside of the now new Bud Light Bleachers of Wrigley Field. The hot-wings were great, my ½ lb burger and bloody were delicious and the company was very enjoyable and enlightening. Since I’ve not kept in close contact with these guys in a while, it was great to catch up with each others lives. Without giving away any top secrets let's just say this--‘that’s what I do.’ Thanks for that Chris. I really enjoyed reconnecting with you guys…thanks for sharing your life stories with me. It was great to laugh and enjoy the nice sunny afternoon. Now we know that wine can be had at Murphy’s and that Illinois has its share of good wineries. We also know that Bone loves wings and could have eaten all 20 himself---wish I had that metabolism—hence the name Bone—well kind of. Was great to meet Adam (or a form of Adam) again as well as his friends—were we that young and care free once—oh-yeah we were—as we sat and reminisced about our 20-something days, those boys are living it…the circle of life.

Next, we were off to the game...what great seats--how lucky we were! So close to the action that we could keep tabs on 'mullet-man'. Once in the stands we met my buddy Brian. Introductions, beers and hot chocolates all around … was a bit cold, but since I only prayed for a day in the 50’s and no rain, that’s what we got,---51-degrees at game time and a clear sky—thank you Lord for that.

Bone had never been to Wrigley since he’s a Yankee’s fan…Chris and I are Card fans and Brian is a White Sox fan…no Cubbies here! Well, until the 8th inning things were going our way…then the Cubs Grand Slam!! OHHHH—that hurt. We’ll get ‘em the next series!

Despite the games final score, I’m ranking the day as a Grand Slam…good food, good baseball action (12 runs), good weather (kind of) and great friends!! As Bone noted, this is not a one time deal…we’ll do it again. Thanks to Bone, Chris and Brian for sharing the day with me—you guys define true friendship--I truly appreciate the time we spent together, thanks!

Just checking in...

At the CRHP meeting tonight...I wanted to *check-in* with something positive, uplifting, witty. That did not happen. The brothers ahead of me shared both good and sad things about their week so far. I could not skirt the most important issue to me this week…the dedication of the pre-school loft. Was very difficult to even talk about…but was glad I did. These brothers are truly a blessing…so supportive and thoughtful—thanks guys! Your kind words mean the world to me this and every day.

Dedication reflections

As I lay in bed last night, looking back/reflecting on the day yesterday, that, by the way, seemed to last for a week...I recall a few noteworthy items.

A friend noted to me in an email: 'My prayer is that you will find a small sign or some unexpected beauty that reflects the essence of Christine today.' Well, when I first read this, I felt some pressure to keep my eyes peeled for it...well, at the end of a very long day I note this:

In the hour before we headed over to the school, I got ready by taking a shower. As I was in the shower, I noticed a lady bug crawling on the ceiling above the tub-which contains a lot of plants right now. Later that day, after I arrived home from work, I sometimes take a shower for the next day--I know TMI--anyway, I was taking my 2nd shower of the day and noticed the lady bug with a friend this time...again, over the tub area. I did not think much of it other than Christine would have liked to see them.

As we were at the pre-school, in Christine's classrom before all the kids and parents came in, we let Lauren run around...I did not think much of it at the time, but now I recall that she was playing with the same toys Christine did just 22 weeks ago.........she went for the puzzles, which we've not brought out yet at home--Christine loved puzzles.

As I sat on the couch, watching the news, I noticed two rabbits chasing each other around the back yard. It was quite humorous to watch the smart rabbit eventually just sit there and jump straight up into the air as the other rabbit approached it. The not so smart, we don't say dumb or stupid in our house, would run towards the smart one and run right underneath the smart guy as he jumped vertically...The first time I saw it, I wanted to scream 'Christine, come see this' but caught myself. I sat and watched these rabbits repeat this about 5 or 6 times...never seen anything like it before.

I now know that Christine was seeing all of these things and she made sure that I was as well...it's so easy to not see or pay attention to little things these days, and I almost missed them...but at the end of the day, a good reflection of my thoughts and actions opened my eyes so that I would realize she was there.

Thanks Christine!

Loft Dedication

Well...it was a sobfest!

This morning, I entered the pre-school for the first time since Christine died. C's been there a few times since. It just plain stinks to be there w/o her...reminders of her at every turn. The restroom--washing her little hands before class...the sand box, the floor mat were the kids sit, the toys...it all brought back a flood of emotions...started to tear-up before we even saw the loft or any teachers.

Cathy, the teacher, came into the room as we were checking out the loft...she spoke to C and came to hug me as I sobbed in her arms...so flipping sad. She noted that the kids talk about Christine every day.

The loft is very beautiful! The Amish do great work. The two story structure has little rooms at ground level with curtains and kitchen things, the upstairs has a large area for the kids to play.

The teachers put 3 school pictures of Christine on the wall above the loft and added two pictures that we gave them from the thank you notes...that really got me weeping--still hard to look at her beautiful face. They had the Christmas picture with a saying mounted in a frame and hanging from the front railing. They had mounted a brass plaque on the front that says:

Donated in Memory of

Christine Mueller

2006

Our Precious Angel

Forever in Our Hearts

They used red crepe paper to form a ribbon for cutting--wrapped around the lower level.

When we arrived, the 19 kids were all in the block/play room playing. We went down there to watch them and to listen to what Kathy had to say. The kids have grown so much in the last 22 weeks. Cathy had the kids clean up the area, then sit to chat about their spring break. Then Cathy showed the kids a picture of Christine and introduced me, C, Lauren and Grandma Lil. Then she told them that there was a surprise back in the classroom...a loft that was donated to them/the school in memory of Christine. Then some of the kids said, 'I saw the fort', 'I saw a bunk-bed'. She asked them to share memories of Christine...our neighbor Kristin said 'I had a lot of nice playdates with her.' Another girl noted earlier that 'Christine was far away.'

The kids lined up, with Tillie the birthday girl as line leader. In the weeks before Christine's death, I decided to ask her pointed questions about school verses the typical 'how was your day at school?' I would ask her to tell me who the line leader was and what snack they ate. She always had the answer.

When we got back to the classroom, about half the moms were seated in the tiny chairs waiting for the kids and the dedication. Cindy, the director, said a few nice words about Christine, us and the donation and them the Pastor read a dedication from his book and blessed the loft...very touching.

Then they had us come up to cut the ribbon (as they motioned to us I turned to the back to look for Lil and saw our friend Sody came to support us!--that got the water works going) They asked if we wanted to say anything...I could not say a word w/o sobbing, so C, while crying as well, pulled off an impromptu. She asked the kids to please remember Christine as they get older and go on to grade school etc...more was said, but I lost the details already...I think we had the audio tape running...it was a perfect ending to the ceremony---out of the corner of my eye, I could see all the moms wiping away their tears...then I cut the ribbon---clapping and then the kids ran to play on it.

We took a few pictures of the kids on the loft...they were all so excited.

The class split into two groups and one part stayed and met/talked w/ Cathy on the top of the loft...it was getting a workout right off the bat.

We hope the kids of Christine's class never forget her and enjoy the loft for the next few months and that all future classes enjoy it as well.

At the conclusion, I went to hug Sody and in walks Sarah and Jay to support us as well... We spent the next few minutes checking out the loft and talking. I just sent them this note of thanks...

----
Janice, Nancy, Sarah and Jay,

What great friends you all are…helping put the loft together last week and showing up today to help support us during (and after) the dedication--God knows we needed it.

I thought I could hold it together, but once I saw her pictures on the wall, listened to the kids talk about her, hugging the teachers and then seeing some of the parents there too…too much for the eyes to hold back all those tears.

We miss her so damn much and I know that you do too…C and I really appreciate the time you took today and last week to make this day a little more bearable.

You guys are the best,
Marty
----

Christine, I hope you saw how you've touched so many lives...a lot of tears were shed in your memory today--you are so missed.