6.21.01 - 16 years later

I can recall this date like it was just yesterday - sounds cliché, but it's so true.  I took C to the hospital earlier in the day in preparation for the birth of our first child on 6.22.01.  I came home alone, to a quiet empty house--knowing that our lives would change forever--that the house would soon be a home for three. I reflected fondly on our "double-income-no-kids" days, I reflected on the present moment, I had great hope for our future. I recall lying in bed - listening to the silence for what I thought would be the last time -- but it was not.  Silence returned on 10.30.05 and again our lives were changed forever.

- Christine Emily Mueller, we love you, we miss you and we're so sorry we've lost you ....

I love you,
daddy

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Happy Valentine's Day Christine .... we love and miss you so much.  Thank you for getting me through the K2 talk this past w/e .... I know you were there. 

luv,
Dad

As is our Christian tradition, we will honor the deceased with prayer throughout November....32 angels/"kids"

Angel-ride names

June is a four-letter word....(pain, hurt)

So, here we are again.  Waiting for the multiple 'hard' days to pass this month....

1. my birthday -16th
2. Fathers Day -same day
3. Christine's birthday -22nd

On each of these days each year, I hurt, missing Christine at each turn.  Maybe it hurts more this year because of the nice calender L and I created that hangs in my cube....with pictures of me and the girls on my birthday and Father's Day 2005---the only time all three of us celebrated those joyous days together.


As I reflect this month, I realize the pain comes w/o notice and seems to linger the entire month .... the waiting hurts the most I think....but, this too shall pass.

This summer I put together an Angel Bike Ride that takes me past the homes of other families who have also lost children....it helps me and reminds me that I/we are not alone on this grief journey....we are surrounded by those who know our pain and can help us cope.

Create Maps or search from 80 million at MapMyRide

V-day

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Happy Valentine's Day Christine .... we love and miss you so much.

luv,
Dad

V-day 2012

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Happy Valentine's Day Christine .... we miss you.

sigh-a rare tough morning

This morning Lauren made each C and I a little note while she ate her breakfast that says, "I'll miss you Dad/Mom -sad-face. I love you -heart, heart sad-face.

She gets a bit teary-eyed when she knows we're going out for the evening or away to a meeting...not sure what spawned this before she left for school today, but the note touched me as I put it in my pocket above my heart.

Moments later, as I walked on the MP-Metra platform to my 'standing-spot', I just about walked past a friend/K who typically rides an earlier train...I was not expecting to see him. We chat for a minute as we'd not seen each other in a while, until a friend (BP) of his walks up to say hi to him. I recognize this guy/BP as a fellow Metra rider on the evening train but I don't think I know who he is. We are introduced by K and I say Marty, he says BP...I instantly recognize his last name/P and wanted to ask--how do I know you?, but, the two of them begin to talk as we wait for the train to arrive. I begin wondering if he may be the father of a kid in Christine's pre-school class--a family i've not seen in a long time...As the train is pulling up, BP is telling K about his really sick daughter/KP using words similar to this... she's very ill and we tried to find medicine in the house that was not expired...she had a hard time breathing all night but at least she made it through the night breathing...she has a really croupy cough and his wife had the humidifier going all night. Then we walks away toward a different door. Overhearing this conversation instantly took me back to 10-29/30-05. My heart was heavy and sad in an instant.

He obviously did not recall who I was...if he did, ya think he'd not say and describe the exact scene at our home 6 years ago w/o acknowledging me. I'm fairly certain that if K knew the circumstances of Christine's death, he did not recall them at that moment-if he does at all. I wanted to talk w/ him/them but I just let'em walk off...

I know certain people remember Christine, but at that moment it felt like she was forgotten...except by me. I sat on the train, pondering this event and felt Lauren's love from her note about missing me and C today.

Day 15 (plus 6-years) w/o You

Now, after 6 years, I say the same thing I did on 11.14.05... Christine, as you've seen from heaven, we've missed you so very much and we are so sad to lose you.
Please take care of the newest angel Dona Alex who joined you in heaven today...
Dad

6 years

The same Sunday as 6 years ago...

My heart beat fast as the 29th/30th arrived...to me it was a harder day on the 29th, waiting to go to sleep...reflecting back on every little thing that happened that last day of her life...I took the time to read the nice legacy.com notes that were left at the obit site...very touching...had not read them probably since 2005.

The 30th itself was a nice, yet a very reflective day…we went to 9:30am mass for Christine and were previously asked to take up the gifts by Deacon John--as we stood hand-in-hand in the pew, waiting for the petitions to be read--listening for Christine's name, Carolyn the usher grabbed my arm at the exact moment they said Christine Mueller…that was nice. right after mass we went to the cemetery where Lauren led us in praying the Hail Mary hand-in-hand at her grave…that choked me up as her voice was a bit weak saying it…but she did it. Then we went home and Lauren and I looked at an old photo album of when Christine was born through the first months of her life. We then went back to St. Ray's for a Halloween Monster Mash gathering in the gym w/ the kids all dressed up … then home to relax and watch the Amazing Race. It was an 'okay' day. We received flowers from Sods/Brian/Jay/Sarah/Janice--six white roses. We also received white flowers from the Rage's too, a nice card from the Bisbee's, a nice note from Matt M. who lit a candle for Christine in Wisc. over the w/e, a nice note from Patty who lit a candle for her at the cemetery chapel where Jacob is buried, a nice note from Jen and nice notes from friends on FB as I posted the obit, the check-in at mass and the cemetery.

CU IN HVN

A must share ...

I had a meeting in the Milwaukee area early Wed. morning and so I was driving north on I-94 just across the 'cheddar' curtain...when the K-LOVE radio station starts to fade...I hit scan trying to find another local 'family-friendly'/Christian radio station. The scan lands on a Madonna song that I do like...sidebar, C and I saw Madonna many many years ago at the Rosemont and she was so awesome...shhhh, don't tell anyone ;-) anyway, I stopped the radio scan to listen to the song...it was Holiday ... a lyric-line caught my ear ... It's time for the good times...Forget about the bad times ... at that moment I instantly think about the bad times in our life and how hard it is to 'forget' and move on to good times...I start to think about missing Christine ...of course we miss her daily, but around holiday's and for some reason every fall (I guess 'cus fall leads to her death anniversary) we really miss her more...as I'm thinking about her, and the song is still on, a Wisc. car passes me on the left and the plates say it all... I know she was letting me know that there will be 'good times' ... the plates said it all... CU IN HVN ... my eyes began to tear-up instantly as I felt blessed to witness that moment. That whole morning I rec'd even more signs that made me smile ...

thank you Christine!
love Dad

Happy 10th Birthday Christine...

...giant sigh...

Cutie, I know you are near today...we saw the cardinal and yellow finch this a.m. - Lauren was all over that, we found the pennies all day today, we heard the songs we call yours...we simply feel your presence...thank you.

BUT, we miss you like hell...the pain of today is overwhelming at times...

.... sigh ....

This time of year/this week is always hard for me…well, at least for the last 6 years it has been. So much reflection…the what if’s etc. It’s my birthday, Father’s Day and then Christine’s birthday all w/in 6 days… so it saddens me each year that we’re not having a party at the house for Christine this w/e…just thinking about it now brings me to tears… I know some can relate to the feeling…but these 3 days put together each year is a real burden....sigh!!!!

some books...

The Catholic priest Henri Nouwen is my new favorite author...such good words he writes, they affirm my beliefs...good stuff.

I have read the following books of his in the last 6 weeks: (he has over 40 books)
1. The Wounded Healer (me and so many others too)
2. With Open Hands (great book on prayer)
3. The Return of the Prodigal Son (great review of the parable)
4. Here and Now (my favorite parts--the chapter on Joy, the chapter on Sorrow, the chapter on Compassion)
5. The Life of the Beloved ~ just started it
6. NEXT?

My heart aches

My heart aches with the greatest of pain since 10/30/05 ... but I am reminded of these prayers from two friends...thank you Lisa and Patty.

Father,
I call on you in times of struggle... struggle with stress, doubt and more. I pray that you would break into my heart. Replace these feelings with your spirit and faith. Lord, I step out in faith, that you would protect me from all evil. I believe in your words and your promises. Thank you lord, for your blessings, the ones I see and the ones I don’t. I know in my heart that you are here with me, I thank you for this. I LAY MY BURDENS AT YOUR FEET.
Amen.
----
The supreme prayer of my heart is not to be learned, rich, famous, powerful, or "good," but simply to be radiant. I desire to radiate health, cheerfulness, calm courage and good will. I wish to live without hate, whim, jealousy, envy, fear. I wish to be simple, honest, frank, natural, clean in mind and clean in body, unaffected--ready to say "I do not know," if it be so, and to meet all men on an absolute equality--to face any obstacle and meet every difficulty unabashed and unafraid.

I wish others to live their lives, too--up to their highest, fullest and best. To that end I pray that I may never meddle, interfere, dictate, give advice that is not wanted, or assist when my services are not needed. If I can help people, I'll do it by giving them a chance to help themselves; and if I can uplift or inspire, let it be by example, inference, and suggestion, rather than by injunction and dictation. That is to say, I desire to be radiant--to radiate life.

Pictures...

Today, I made it a point to sit and look at pictures of Lauren with Christine...thinking about compiling them for a book and/or calender for Lauren.

Note, it has been a major source of pain to even look at Christine's beautiful face for the last 4 years...but today it warmed my heart...a very long road from pain to warming.

thank you Christine!
Daddy

H O P E

Day 15 (plus 4-years) w/o You

Now, after 4-years, I say the same thing I did on 11.14.05... Christine, as you've seen from heaven, we've missed you so very much and we are so sad to lose you.

Dad

Christine ... simply ... we miss you!!!!

Last family picture taken 10.15.05

@ the pumpkin farm

our 20th...

Okay...we think of Christine daily but may not say her name out loud or 'burden' others by saying something...(side-bar: some people must wonder--'aren't they over 'it' yet) but today was a special day.

Tonight was a somber night celebrating our 20th anniversary...reflecting on our 10th anniversary in Europe and all that life has shown us in 10 years...then we felt her presence 3 times.

1. As I was riding my bike home from the train tonight, I see my neighbor/friend Charlie out on his lawn and I have not stopped to say hi/chat in a long while...so I do. We chat about this/that and I ask him how their vacation to northern Wisconsin was a few weeks earlier (sidebar: in 2005 we joined them for vacation at the same place...a great gift to join them and recall those precious moments there with Christine and Lauren together) I had not told Charlie that it was our 20th...he says the vacation was okay...lots of wind-not much time in the lake. He then said that on one dark night he lit a solitary candle on the beach of the small lake ... but did not really say why, thinking he must have told me he's done this for the last 4 years...if he told me, I don't recall...but the more he spoke, he was letting me know that it was his way of remembering Christine. What a nice gesture...

2. Minutes later, I walked into the house to get ready for our dinner out and I see the mail-pile. On top is a note from the Parish letting us know that a Mass will be said for Christine on Sunday November 1, All Souls Day...that was nice of the Herman's to do.

3. After dinner we are driving back home and I'm telling C about Charlie and the candle and she begins to tell me her story/experience from earlier in the day. She was in the neighboring suburb of AH and was walking across a street when she hears a woman in a car yell out..."Aren't you Christine's mom?" --turns out to be a mom of a kid in Christine's class from 4 years ago...wanted to just say hi to C. C has not seen this woman in 4 years and barely knew who she was...yet the lady took the time to say hi and chat.

4. And then...I get home and Bone has emailed me and tells me about his picture of Christine on his desk and how he draws inspiration from her...the email was in the 'air' as C and I were talking about our Christine moments on the car ride home from dinner...nice.

So, in one day we have someone telling us of their candle lighting moment for Christine, a Mass to be said for Christine a hi to Christine's mom and a very touching note from a dear friend and how Christine impacts his life. None of these people knew it was a 'hard' day for us or that it was our 20th...yet we were given the gift of hearing her name & seeing it in writing just when we needed it...thank you!

yet another hurdle to cross...after clearing one last month

A few weeks ago, we crossed one hurdle...attending the Germanfest w/o you...but you were seen all day...as C and I recalled feeding you in the shade of the park, recalling you getting sick in the car ride home 'cus it was so damn hot that day... oh what a day that was with aunt Teresa too...

Now, this w/e we will attend the IL State Fair for the 1st time w/o you and we recall the blue-ribbon winner of '02...such a great picture of you...

We continue to miss you ever single day...